Retire, Phelps, and live your life

We convince these men and women that they can still do it, that it's worth one more shot, that age is just a number, that legend is a gift of the gods, and to not use it is shameful. (Gaines, the former Olympic swimmer who now works as an NBC commentator, recently said he believes Phelps will likely come back because "he'll be able to walk through airports in a couple years and not be mobbed. He'll miss that." There is a word for this line of thinking: sad.)

Then, predictably, when they fall short, we bemoan that the effort was ever made. We offer comments such as, "Boy, that was pathetic" and "He should have stayed retired" -- forgetting that we were the ones pining for the return. Again, sports fan are crazy.

Yet the inevitable disappointment of a then-31-year-old Phelps underperforming in Rio (and, for the record, 31 in swimming is 40 in real life) isn't the No. 1 reason he should stay away. No, Phelps needs to remain retired because, quite frankly, life in a pool sucks. OK, not for a week, while vacationing in Orlando.

But imagine being Phelps. You wake up at 5 a.m., spend four hours in a pool, go home, sleep (in your Michael Jackson-esque oxygen tank), return to the pool for another two hours, eat (a disgustingly healthy and bland) dinner, go to bed, then repeat the following day. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. And ...